Mon, Aug. 12
... As I go down to the river
It's
interesting, isn't it? Again I say, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Sometimes, there's just something that's there that doesn't disappear, no matter how far away you are, or how far apart life takes you. Or how far apart you force life to take you. Is that more the case? Sometimes I think so. Sometimes, I think that it was inevitable and that the time was what we needed. Sometimes I think that everything would have been different. I'm not sure, and I guess I'll never find out, but it's still almost impossible not to speculate and wonder sometimes.
Ah well. That's just the way it is. There's so much to savor in today without worrying about or regretting yesterday. All that does is waste time.
It's interesting, though, how much time healing takes. There's so much that happens right away; there's so much crap that gets dealt with from the very beginning, but sometimes, it all just comes up again. It's beginning to seem like it'll never be finished. Like it'll always affect me in some way or another. That's true, I guess. I should have known--I did know--when I made my choices that they were lifelong ones. However, I guess I just deluded myself into thinking that it's not true. I kind of made myself think that it would all be okay; that I wouldn't have to deal with it. It will be okay, I know that, but I do have to deal with it, and there are things that come up now that never came up before.
Will it ever be completely healed? To an extent, I think yes. I think that there comes a point where things are the way they're going to be. Everything's been "dealt with" as much as it can. It's not perfect healing, though, because there are always those moments and reminders, and it'll never be a perfect healing until heaven. Until then... the scars are always there, and they become part of what shapes us and makes us who we are, and that's something that can never be erased, nor would I ever want it to be. Eventually, though, there comes a point when it's not day-to-day, and if it remains that way, that's completely unhealthy. It's always there, though. That little knowledge in the back of your mind; that tiny little spark of memory; the innocent triggers that bring up some emotion long-forgotten and buried.
That's just a part of life now, though. That's part of everyone's life... I'm just experiencing it in mine in a bigger way right now. I just wish it wasn't so. I want to be free and clear, emotionally. I don't want to be hanging on to all this baggage, even as I'm letting go of it. I want it to be a minor scrape that heals quickly and doesn't leave a scar. It's forgotten within days. This, though, is a major cut. Almost an amputation. And those scars never go away. They fade. And it has faded, but it'll never completely disappear and stop haunting me.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:10 a.m.
