Tues, Feb 12
... And when this night is over...
I really liked
Kirsty's entry today. The dark night of the soul... Heh. In so many ways, I feel like I've been there, in varying degrees of darkness, for months.
I know that some of the distance from God and the hard times have been beacause I've made stupid choices. I've done things that have pushed me away from him, and I've done things that have kept me in a place that's not where he wants me to be. I'm not shifting blame and saying that I didn't make the situation worse. Sometimes, though, I think that it has to be so much more than just that. I think it has to be so far beyond just me own actions and my interaction with God. This is just a little bit of what Kirsty wrote about it:
everything was the same. just God's presence felt like it was missing... i prayed for the spirit to come back to me alot. thats what i lived for. was that closeness to Christ...
i thought i had done something wrong. i thought maybe God walked away from me. disgusted at me.
i talked to numerous people during this dry spell. some said that i might have had sin in my life. some said "read your bible more" or "pray more".."go to church more"...
the one person who helped me understand the desert i was in was Shannon P. she told me clear as day, that i was in a desert. and that i would come out of it some day. she told me it was normal. she told me that God often does this to his children once they're at a spot.. he does this so that we grow to desire him more, to grow spiritually... he in fact doesn't "abandon" us. he's still there. but he put us through the dark night so that we will be closer to him in the long run.
the desert is dangerous. this is the place where people often feel neglected and abandoned.. where they doubt there faith.. doubt God.. and often people who don't understand the "desert" leave the church.. and leave Christ altogether.
i am so glad i stuck it out. through the whole time i never blamed God. or was angry at him... i was confused.. i wasn't sure what happened. but i knew one thing, i knew for sure that my God existed because of the previous experiences i had with him. i knew him. i knew what he was about. i just didn't know why he seemed to let go of my hand at that point. maybe in fact he let go of my hand so he could carry me through the desert. relying on him to get my through.
she also mentioned that the "feeling" i get in worship is not what God's all about. yeah his Spirit is amazing.. and it is the peace that flows over us.. nothing is better than that. it is God. but our walk with Christ must be more than the special "feeling" we get during worship.. i think thats the biggest thing i learned in the dark night.. that just because i don't get God's peace flowing over me everytime i worship, doesn't mean anything. God is more than making me feel good. i think that was the biggest lesson.
I've felt like I'm "coming out of it" so many times... I've felt like I was at a place where I was getting "back on track" with God again more often than I can count. Usually sometime when I've had some sort of an emotional experience; when I've had some sort of a "high" on God again.
My faith has been tested more since I graduated from high school, though, than it ever had before. I mean, when I was 14, 15, 16, I really clung to my faith, and claimed it as my own, not as my parents' that I was tagging along to, and that was a defining period in my life. But this is different yet again than that was. This is a different kind of claiming it. This is something that, I think, when I come out of it, will have solidified my faith in a way that I can't see right now.
Like I said, I'm not claiming to have lived a perfect, virtuous life that's kept me completely on track with God. I've pushed him away and tried to live my life my own way, and I know that there have been times when my own sin has influenced my spiritual life. When that's been what's pushed me away. But there have been times when it hasn't been "dry" because I'm not praying, or not reading my Bible, or deliberately sinning against God, or any of that. There have been times when it's been dry simply because it's dry.
But I've been learning. I've been learning to trust, to hold on, even when I don't "feel" good about it, when I'm not at the high emotional level that I've sometimes been at, or that I used to be at at a more constant pace.
It's like love, I think. Okay, bad way of phrasing it. It is love. But it's like romantic love. It's a constant choice. "For better or for worse" means all the time. Marriage vows and love mean, "I'm sticking with you even when you annoy the heck out of me and I don't want to have to wake up next to your stinky morning breath for another day." That's what my commitment to God means. I know he's there. My commitment to him is definitely so much less than his love and commitment to me, but still, in my frail, limited understanding of what love really is, I have no choice but to stay. I have no choice but to fall back and trust that someone's going to catch me. I have no choice but to call out in the dark and keep talking, trusting that there's someone who's listening, even when I can't see them, even when I don't hear a response back. That's all I can do; and that's what I have to do.
infinite || abyss
posted at 2:45 p.m.
