Mon, Aug. 19
... It's just a piece of paper. That's all.
I'm waaaay too bored today. Maybe I should just go home, since I'm not doing anything productive here. Hey; it's not like I've done nothing all day--I've spent a good portion of the past 5 hours upstairs in the resource room, trying to organize and clean that mess.
That will be a job that'll definitely take me a few more days than I've been working on it thus far. But it's looking good. It's sad when I'm proud of how I've cleaned up a tiny room filled with every craft supply, office product, curriculum, and other odds and ends that you could possibly imagine. That room is a treasure trove, but it does get messy, especially when people are in and out of there all the time, and
especially when they don't put things away properly.
Hum. De. Dum. I changed some more of my courses around for fall. Gwen's probably starting to think that I have no clue whatsoever what I want to do this year. And she's pretty close to right. I've almost decided to just do the diploma and get it over with, and then worry about the degree if and when that time ever comes. Because, honestly, right now I think that the experience I have says more than the piece of paper. I definitely want to have some certification; something to prove that I have been trained, and that I do know what I'm doing, but I don't think that it makes all that much difference whether it's a degree or a diploma. Not for what I want to do. I have the experience that proves that I can do what I want to do, and that I can do it well.
I'm not bragging; I'm just stating a fact. I don't do it perfectly, but I have been directing and leading, or assistant directing, the senior high program for 5 years--this will be my 6th--and I'm not perfect, but it's come a long way. I've learned a lot, and I think I've become a better director and leader. Of course I still have so much to learn; there's no way that I could possibly have it all down pat at 20. That's not the way life works. But I'm getting there, and I know more than I did at 15. Definitely way more than I did at 15. It's exciting to be part of it... the program has grown a lot, and it's been such a privilege for me to be part of it. It's been so cool to watch it grow from what it was to what it is, and it's even more exciting to think of what it will be eventually.
And besides all that, I really just don't feel like I belong in the program anymore. I want to finish out this year and get my diploma, yes, but I don't feel like I'm respected as much as the "serious" students; the ones who want to go into pro acting. That's not me; that's never been my dream. My dream is drama ministry. I love seeing God work through it, and I love watching my kids grow and gain a passion for drama. I love it, and that's what I want to keep seeing. I don't feel like Cindy thinks it's a "bad" dream, I just often feel like she thinks it's an inferior one. Or like I'm an inferior student, and not worth putting the same amount of effort into as some of the others.
No, I don't always put the program as my first priority. I do have to work, otherwise I'm living on the street, and I have no food. And besides school, my other big commitment is the church drama. Last year, she told me that she didn't want me to burn out, and that she thought I was too committed to the church, and not committed enough to the program. No, I don't put every waking moment into it. In fact, if I have to choose which one I'll prioritize more, often it'll be the church, not school. It's not because I don't think school, my classes, and the productions there are important. They totally are. It's just that what I do at the church is what I want to do, so wouldn't it make sense that I spend time and effort gaining experience in the area that I want to work? That would seem reasonable to me. And I would even think that, if it's possible to get credits for leading this group, especially this year, that it would be a reasonable thing to ask. And I will, because the experience I'll have this year will far surpass what I'd have to do next year for troupe. I'll basically spend this year doing all the jobs that are split up between all of us for fourth-year troupe. I don't know if I'll get the credits, though. She's not too keen on giving credit by experience, though. But I'll just have to do such a great job that she'll have no choice but to give them to me, because she'll see that I've earned them just as much as I would have working under her next year, if not more.
So, it's not final yet, but I'm pretty close to making my decision. I don't have to know until beginning of second semester, but I'd like to know by the time school starts in 2 weeks. I can always change my mind. There's nothing saying that this is a permanent decision. I can always come back and finish my degree, even if I don't do it now.
infinite || abyss
posted at 4:41 p.m.
