Sat, Jan. 31
... But I survived the truth
Someone else knows about the
gushing. And no, it's not
this someone. Scary thought. This may change things. I don't know what kind of conclusive evidence there is--if any--but this might change things. Push the deadline, so to speak. And I don't know how to tell if it will or not. Time for some serious exercising of my powers of observation, and possibly some damage control.
Am I such a terrible friend? How did things go so horribly wrong, and when did it get pinned on me? More to the point, should it have been pinned on me? Everyone has their own opinion as to what happens. Everyone looks at it from their own perspective--I'm not naive enough to think that I'm totally innocent or that someone else is completely to blame. There are several parties involved, and each of these parties shares some responsibility.
It's just draining. I'm exhausted by trying to keep up with it. I'm tired of keeping up with my own emotions and everyone else's. I'm tired of walking on eggshells, wondering what I'm doing wrong, and whether there's anything I can do to fix it. I'm tired of wondering what people are saying, and not knowing whether I'm in the presence of someone who believes me or not. I'm tired of waiting for signals and trying to read body language and the hundreds of things that aren't being said.
I'm not sleeping well, I'm not eating well, I'm not exercising well, I'm not concentrating well, and I can't pin that on anyone else. It's my responsibility to take care of myself, regardless of how (or whether) other people are being conducive to that. It's my job to make sure I still live my life the fullest I can, despite anyone else's actions.
It's hard, though. It's so easy to pin the blame on someone else. The blame for everything, really. I could pretend that all this is someone else's fault, and I could try to make myself believe that if I just find another scapegoat, things will be okay, but that's not the case.
I don't know how to fix it, and I'm tired of trying. I don't know what to do to make everything better again, and the trial and error approach isn't working all that well.
Someone knows how to hit my weakest points, and I can't pretend that I'm not affected by it. I just don't know what to do to change it. I do know one thing, though. Writing things like this, as therapeutic and cathartic as it may be, isn't going to do much in the long run to fix things. I want to find something constructive to do with all this pent-up energy; I just don't know what that something is.
infinite || abyss
posted at 1:33 p.m.
