Sat, Oct. 12
... With open arms and open eyes
Friendships are funny things. Especially friendships with the opposite sex. Call me crazy, disagree with me all you want, but I still hold firm that you can't have a close friendship with a guy without the
thought of something else coming into it. We got into a huge debate about this about a year and a half ago with the girls in my youth group, who were absolutely convinced that you can have a completely platonic guy best friend without the thought of anything else ever entering the picture.
I'm not saying that you're going to all of a sudden going to go out and start fooling around with every guy friend you have. No. Just because the thought crosses your mind doesn't even necessarily mean that it's based on anything substantial, but the thought, however fleeting, is there. Love is based on getting to know someone, and the better you know them, the more possibility there is of loving them. I don't think that there's any guy that I'm close to that I haven't thought at some point or another, "I wonder if..." Now, for 90% of them, that's never come to anything other than a moment's speculation, but that moment was still there. That's all I'm saying. The other 10% had to be worked through. Either I ended up dating them, or we discussed getting together and decided that it wouldn't work, or whatever.
And you can't say that I'm just horny and obsessed, because that's not it at all. That's not what it's about, at least not in most cases--it's about being good enough friends with someone that you know them well enough to know that you could love them in some given circumstance.
I think that those same friendships get stickier when other relationships come into the picture. You may think I'm completely old-fashioned for thinking this, but I hold those friendships in somewhat of a different light than I do with my girlfriends. I know that once I'm dating seriously/engaged/married, those friendships have to take on a different context. I don't think it's appropriate for a married woman to be going to a guy all the time for advice and confiding in him. That's the stuff that affairs are made of.
I'm not saying that I'm suddenly going to ditch them once I get a boyfriend, because that's not it at all, and those friendships have too special a place in my heart to just let go of like that. But in the end, it comes down to a choice. And, at this point, my plans are most definitely to keep hanging out with them, but in groups, or even with our spouses together. Nor am I saying that I'll never, ever do anything with them without my husband, or something like that, or that I'll turn our friendships into a series of rules and no real friendship at all. It's something that I can't make a habit of, though. It's too dangerous to be playing with.
I hold them somewhat loosely. I want to get everything out of them that I do now, and I'll totally go for coffee just "as friends" with them, fly out to visit, do all kinds of things with just the two of us, or invite them as my date to the Christmas banquet, or any number of other things that I'd do with girls and guys equally. I treasure them. I know that they hold an incredibly important place in my life, and they always will, but I don't hold any illusions about things always being the way they are now. Yeah, it'll hurt. Yeah, in some ways, it'll suck. But that's the way it has to be. Love is a choice, and every choice requires sacrifices.
I've been on the other end of it--the end where I'm making the choice--and I know how destructive it can be to not be willing to let go of those friendships when the time comes. I know how much harder it is to let go when you've held on a little tighter and a little longer than you should have. I know how much heartache I would have saved myself and others if I'd followed my own advice two years ago. When that time comes again, I can't risk it. Maybe I'm being a little over-zealous, but I'd rather do that and save my marriage than not do it.
That doesn't mean I love you any less. That doesn't mean I'm here for you any less than I was yesterday, or than I will be ten years from now. The picture will change. We all know that. The fact that there's still a special friendship and bond there won't. The way that friendship looks will change, but the fact that I'll still be there for you and I know you'll still be there for me won't. Of all people, you understand.
infinite || abyss
posted at 5:12 p.m.
