Mon, Oct. 28
... Who do you think I am?
When I first started at Rocky, I was so intimidated of
Dave... he'd sit in his little corner of the drama room, in the armchair, and scowl at us. It's funny, because now I'm completely not intimidated, and it seems so silly, but then, it was a bigger deal. First impressions are funny things. I remember sitting in the first drama troupe class, and all the first years were sitting in the chairs, all quiet and intimidated by all the second years, who were running around the classroom being all crazy and stuff. I don't remember my first impressions of a lot of the rest of them--I have first memories of
Janel, Debbie, and Ruthanne, but they're not really as vivid as some.
The funniest thing was when Laurel told me that Dave didn't intimidate her at all, but she was intimidated by me first semester. That was odd to me. But she said that since I had my life "all put together," I intimidated her. I was engaged, I knew what I wanted to do, I had my ministry established, and I was good at it. I donno... that just strikes me as funny. I don't think of myself as being intimidating to anyone. I was more scared than anyone! I was excited, but definitely out of my comfort zone, especially at first. I guess I just hid it better than I thought I did.
It's strange how all of our relationships have changed and grown since then, because they definitely have. I mean, we've gotten closer in some cases, more distant in others... It's funny. First impressions are important, for sure, but they're definitely not everything. There are so many people that I have completely different impressions of than my first impression--most people, actually. I don't think there's anyone that I'm close to now that I see exactly the same way as I did when I first met them. There are even people taht I love now that I didn't exactly like at first, or people that I thought I wanted to know that I realize I really don't.
Life's funny. Relationships are funny. First impressions are funny.
We try so hard to make ourselves "presentable" and "attractive" to each other, but really all our best efforts don't matter that much in the long run.
One year ago today: That's so easy to do--it's so easy to let the stuff that I struggle with become what I fall back on as my identity. "How are you?" "Oh, not too bad; I'm struggling with (such and such), but it's getting better." There's so much more to who I am than that. Sure, there are the people who hold me accountable, and to them, I have to be honest, but in general, I'm so much more than what I struggle with.
infinite || abyss
posted at 3:28 p.m.
