Tues, Jan. 14
... It just takes some time
This is so bizarre. I'm not used to living with people who go to bed early.
I'm not used to going to bed early. I got home tonight at around 10:30, and both
Chelsea and
Janel were in bed already. That's so odd to me--when
Kat and I lived together, I don't think either of us went to bed before midnight more than about three times in the whole year and a half that we lived there, and a normal bedtime was usually closer to 1 or 2. That's probably why we both ended up missing so many morning classes, though. Maybe this will be good for me. Or something.
Sometimes, I feel so artificial, superficial, any other "ficial" that you want to put in there. I can walk into Nexus on Tuesday nights and be friendly to almost anyone there. I can have a good conversation about school, work, life, the evening, the weather, or whatever with almost anyone there. Same thing with church on a Sunday morning. I've been going there for almost 21 years. There are a lot of people that I know and can carry on a conversation with; there are a lot of people who want to know what's going on in my life.
That doesn't mean that I'm any more connected, though. Sometimes I feel like a stranger just floating through, without any ties to anyone there. Even the people that I've known for 21 years, or the people who have seen me through the rough times and the good times.
Hmm. Does everyone get this way? Because sometimes people just make me sick, and I can't stand being around them. Sometimes, I want to, but I just can't. Sometimes, I don't want to, but I can't help it.
But the biggest thing that I've realized, and I know I've said it before, is that I'm selfish when it comes to my friends. I much prefer one-on-one time with any of my friends to hanging out in groups. Especially when I'm in the mood for some good heart-to-heart talking. It just takes something away from the experience to have to share it. And it frustrates me when I have to readjust my plans.
I'm not trying to be self-centered or selfish, even though I do realize that it sounds that way. It's just that when I know I'm going to be with a big group and we're going to go for dinner or something, I have to be ready for that. I don't hate those times, because they're fun, but I need to be prepared for them. When I'm expecting it just to be one friend and I, and more people end up coming along, I find myself overwhelmed, and it catches me off guard.
I don't know... Maybe there's just something weird with me, but I wonder if anyone else feels this way.
Is everyone just a social stigma?
infinite || abyss
posted at 10:45 p.m.
