Sat, Sept. 7
... where are you going?
I can't wait to be someone's number one priority. It gets really frustrating being the one that's compromised and put off in favor of other commitments. I know everyone has to give and take, but it gets tiring when it seems like that's the way it is with everyone. I just want to be someone's first priority. I want to be the one that they'll rearrange things for; that they'll sacrifice for. Am I being selfish? I don't know. But I know I'm getting tired of this. I'm tired of nights at home, and just sitting around doing nothing on my free evenings. I'm tired of making plans and then having them changed. I'm tired of coming in second place in everyone's life. I just want someone to put that priority on me for once.
And I want to have someone to put that on. I want to have somebody that I can call on and know that they'll rearrange things for me when I need them; that they'll do what they can to be there for me whenever. That I can give them that same sort of priority in my life. That I can be there for them, and make them that important.
I know that life doesn't revolve around one person, and that's not what I'm asking for. I know it's not healthy to have that kind of thing, to the exclusion of everyone else. I realize that, and I definitely don't want that. I don't want to lose my friends; I don't want to alienate them, or push them away because other things are more important to me than they are.
I don't know. I don't know what I want. I'm just tired. I'm sleepy, and besides that, I'm just tired in general. I'm tired of my life being the way it is. I want things to change, and it just doesn't seem like they are. As much as things ever change, it seems that more always stays the same. How can things stay so stagnant, it seems? Everything's changed, and so much is different, but there's so much that's so stuck that it just won't change. And I want it to, so badly. I'm just so sick of this.
I'm whining. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a downer. I'm trying to think positive and believe that this year's going to be better. It's hard to think that on a lonely Friday night, though.
infinite || abyss
posted at 12:14 a.m.
