Thurs, Jan. 23
... It's difficult to say goodbye
"We can't eat on deeply and sincerely." How can we tell I'm trying to memorize lines? Lines I was supposed to have memorized for yesterday, but that I
really need to have memorized for today.
I'm looking back at last year's entries for something to put in this one, and last year on January 23, I wrote 4 entries. Crazy.
It's interesting how some of the same themes keep repeating themselves, over and over and over, both in life and in my diary. It sometimes seems silly to keep reiterating the same things over and over, though. I look through, and so many of my entries focus around several central themes that have constantly reappeared--or never actually disappeared--for the past year and 9 months that I've had this diary. School. Direction. Loneliness. The church. Friendship. God's goodness. Almost everything centers around one of those few themes.
I've been re-reading some other entries (not here--in my paper journal) from about a year ago, and I'm struck by how similar things are. In completely different ways. Different people, different specifics, different motivations, but the underlying roots are still there, and that confuses me. Is it me? It could very well be, but in these cases, it doesn't seem like it. It seems like I'm the one being played, and I wonder what it is that makes me vulnerable to that. Or if I am at all.
I just don't understand. And I'm not trying to say at all that I'm the only one affected by anything that happens to be, because I'm not, and a lot of the time, I'm not even the one the most affected by things. It just makes me wonder about people in general.
I'm really not into this job I've got now... I love my job at the church, and I wish that I could have my old job back, but right now, with my other job, it's just not working for me. The hours aren't great for my schedule, so I end up working only a few hours a week, and I'm just not into it. I have a full-time enough job being a student and running my ministry. Running my ministry moreso than being a student. But between the two, they definitely add up. But seriously, I probably spend between 3 and 5 hours most days working on something to do with my drama ministry. If I was getting paid for that? That's a half-time job, right there! That would be perfect.
But anyways, speaking of ministry, I have to get to the church to beg and bargain with Mike to get the auditorium one night when he has it booked. I should be able to get it, but he has to give it to me. Hey... I just remembered--he owes me one for kicking us out of the chapel one night during rehearsal. Hmm. I just might have to call in that favor.
One year ago today: Ever feel restless? I do. I just want to do something. Change something. Be different. Do things differently than I am right now. I don't know... right now, it's manifesting itself in silly little things, like wanting to change my bedroom around (pretty hard to do when there are only three pieces of furniture!), change my layout of my diary (even though I've only had this layout for a week and a half), dye my hair, get something else pierced or something, or I don't know what else. I just want to do something!
infinite || abyss
posted at 12:34 p.m.
