Wed, Aug. 7
... When you say nothing at all
There's just something funny about it. I don't exactly know about what, but there's something funny. Life's like that. You're never quite sure what you're talking about, but you know that there's something you should be saying. There's something you wish you could express, but you just can't do it. The words get caught in your throat, and you think them over and over and over again in your head, but when it comes to actually spitting them out, you can't.
They try to get out; they jump up against the back of your throat and almost physically make you spit them out, but sometimes the will is just a little stronger than the urge to speak. Sometimes that's a good thing. Sometimes... there's more you wish you'd said; more you could have said, but you didn't. You just let the words stay inside, and they join the rest of the words that aren't going anywhere in the big pot of missed opportunities and saving graces.
It would be an interesting thing if all those bottled up words could come out. Everything that ever tried to come out would just come in one big blurt. What kind of a statement would that make? There would probably be some conflicting emotions and some contradictory statements. There would be memories long gone and laughter and tears long forgotten. It would be an interesting experience. Hopefully, it would be laughable. The things that seemed so crucial and important then aren't so much anymore. I think I'd laugh at myself, thinking, "Why was that so important? Why did I have to get that out of my mouth, and kick myself when I didn't?" I hope I'd laugh at myself.
It would be a pretty sad state of affairs if the things I wanted to say a year ago; two years ago; five years ago were still the ones I want now. If the witty comebacks that didn't come until too late were still the ones that were prevalent on my mind.
No, I think I'd laugh. I think it would be a funny experience... what would I have said if I'd had the courage?
Maybe I should write a book of all my thoughts that never made it "out there." That would actually be kind of scary.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:43 p.m.
