Mon, Sept. 16
... I'm giving you...
Last night's worship service was called "Offerings." That's what Shawn decided to call them when the idea first came up last winter, and that's what they've been ever since. It's like "The Well" or something like that--the name just sticks, and eventually will come to define them.
Obviously I think I realized the idea behind "Offerings"--the idea of offering myself and all that I have to God. Especially playing in the band for the night, it takes on that much more significance to me. It's not just giving him that amount of time, or my praise, but it's also offering him my talents and my gifts. Using what he gave me, in order to give that back to him. I say "my talents," but really, what sort of claim do I have on them? Not much. I know I've talked about this before, but it looks like I'm going to go into it again.
Yes, I put in the work, the time, and the effort to develop them into something. If I had all the natural musical ability in the world, but didn't do anything with it, what good would that be? How much good would that do? None, really. Everyone has to put in the time and the effort to get better, regardless of how good they are in the first place. But who gave me that ability? God. Who gave the time to put in? God. Is there anything that we can give him that isn't already his? I don't think so. Everything I have that I can give to him is something that he gave me in the first place. He still wants it, though.
But back to Offerings. I realized that it's not just giving back my time, talents, praise, prayers, enthusiasm, or anything else like that. It's all of that, but it's also bringing him the brokenness. Coming as a hurting, needy, lost person, and realizing that I can't do anything about that.
I don't think that it's even coming in search of answers. That's not what last night was about. It wasn't about searching for God to solve everything for me and make life all better. It was about bringing myself, and making myself open to God. Just being there, and letting him do whatever. Letting him comfort me, fill me with joy, challenge me, whatever. It was different for every person. I'm not presuming to think that just because I realized one thing about God means that everyone else recognized the same thing. But I had to be willing. I had to be there for God to speak to me through the night. I had to be willing. That's what I was offering to him, along with everything else.
I don't know... it doesn't always make sense. All the pieces don't always fit together perfectly, and as much as I wish they did, I don't expect them to. God is far too unexplainable for me to try to wrap up in a nice little rant like this. I'm just trying to discover, piece by piece, whatever I can about him.
One year ago today: Norm was saying that it didn't seem like long at all; that it was the same people, same struggles, same relationships, same everything as when they left. And in some ways, that's so true. Some things just never change. But at the same time, I look back on the past year and I realized that in some ways, everything has changed, and nothing's really the same as it was when they left last August.
infinite || abyss
posted at 1:19 p.m.
