Thurs, Dec 20
... Always the mysterious one
Indulge my... for a minute. I don't know what it is, exactly, that you're indulging, though. It's not really a whine, because I'm not complaining. It's more of a statement of my frustrations. My feelings at the moment. It may sound like a whine, but I'm not trying to, really. Just a disclaimer to satisfy my peace of mind.
I don't think I've ever been in a place where I need a relationship less than I do right now; where I need to do more work on who I am; where I need some really significant God-and-Lida time to figure out my life. And it's so great, because that's happening, more and faster than I thought it would, and I can see more in the future. I know I'm never going to be perfect, and that's not what I'm striving for, but I'm reaching for a place where I can be wholly complete in who I am, not who I'll be. In the past two months, God's taken me new places, places where, even three months ago, I never thought I'd be ready to go. It's very amazing, and he's given me the strength I've needed to do it, regardless of anything else.
At the same time, though, there's never been a point where I've longed for a relationship more than I do right now. More and more, I feel like the odd one out, no matter who I'm with. No matter which of my friends I'm hanging out with, it seems like I'm the leftover. It's not like high school, because now they're finding the guys that they're talking about forever with. I mean, maybe not all of those relationships will last that long, but that's the mindset, and it's so much more than in high school. I don't have anyone to be planning with, and I long for it, so badly.
I know God gave me those longings for a reason; I really don't believe that he would have given them to me without planning to fulfill them. But my head knows that right now, I need to learn to trust him. I need to give him every single area of my life, including my relationships--or lack thereof--and wait for him to fulfill the longings he's given me, in his own timing. The trouble is living that. It's way easier said than done.
I can preach until i'm blue in the face about trusting God; I can tell other people what they "should" do; I can know exactly what I "should" do. And the beauty of it is that I'm doing it. I mean, I'm living day to day without a boyfriend, and I'm trusting God more and more in my everyday life. They're connected, obviously, and I know that. And it's nice that continuing to live, and learning to live fully, isn't always intentional. Sure, sometimes it is.
But sometimes the best living comes when I'm not thinking about it; when I'm just doing it.
infinite || abyss
posted at 1:12 a.m.
