Tues, Apr. 13
... You and you alone
Oy. Can I force myself to write any more tonight? I have to.
Last night, I wrote 11 reviews (out of 15)--I finished the live shows and movies, so now I just have to write reviews of 4 plays that I've read. Not too bad. I was planning to get more than that done, but alas, that wasn't about to happen.
Tonight, I've written a 10-page paper on the Evangelical Doctrine of Theosis, and a 5-page paper on Intertestamental Jewish Sects. Heh. They sound so much more sophisticated and intelligent than they really are. Teehee. They make me sound so much more sophisticated and intelligent than I really am.
Just to show you how much of a nerd I am... I read Morgan's descriptions of the papers she's writing, and I think, "She's so smart... there's no way I could write about any topic that intelligently!" And then, I write papers like this, and I realize that, to someone who hasn't studied it at all, it probably sounds just as impressive.
That's why I've spent all this money on an education... so that I can throw around terms like soteriology, theosis, divinization, and eschatology, and people will think that I'm smart. Big words are impressive.
Of course, the thing that entertains me the most is when I use theatre jargon, and people don't understand what I mean by SM, ASM, AD, tech week, Q to Q, stumble-through... things like that. I mean, they're not even big words! Heh. I guess it's just the fact that they're part of my day-to-day vocabulary, and I use them on an incredibly regular basis, so I don't even think about it.
But I'm sure any one of you could make me feel unbelievably retarded with your jargon, so let's just leave it at that, kay? I'll have my big words, you can have yours, and we can all feel special when no one else knows what we're talking about.
No more papers! The biggest one still hanging over my head is a 20-page (ish) 5-year plan for what I'm going to do with my degree once I get out of here. A detailed, in-depth plan of how I'm actually going to make a living in theatre. It's smart, because theatre is the kind of lifestyle that's not conducive to starting at the bottom and working your way up. You're constantly selling yourself, working on contract, looking for another job... so the idea is a good one; it's just tough.
I know that "The Plan" will change drastically over the years, but I'm the kind of person that wants to have all the details set in stone before I write out the plan, so not knowing exactly where then next 5 years will take me makes it almost pointless, in my mind, to write something like this.
It's a vicious cycle--I don't want to write it until I have the plan, and I won't have the plan until I write it. So, I guess I just have to suck it up, realize that it's not a legally binding contract, and write out the next 5 years of my life in excruciatingly minute detail.
One year ago today: I can't write without wondering... without speculating all the what-ifs and whethers. I can't sit down with my words without thinking about it and feeling like I should be trying to work it all out, trying to weigh the pros and cons.
infinite || abyss
posted at 8:12 p.m.
