Friday, Aug. 19, 2005
... Life's like an hourglass glued to the table
So. Girls' night out. Lots of laughter. Too much chocolate. Too much sleep.
You know, I'm constantly amazed at how utterly self-centered my life--a single life--is. I have never been more aware of this than now, when I've been sick for three days. Once I had the time off work, I could stay in bed and sleep as much as I needed. No children tugging on my blankets; no husband needing attention and/or food.
I can spend my money and my time with virtually no consideration for anyone else's needs or schedule. If I want to go out, it's whether it works for me. If I want to buy something, it's whether I have the extra cash. If I want to sleep in, it depends on my work schedule. If I want to eat out, it's dependent on my cravings (and budget). The people who influence my decisions are chosen by me, and if I don't want them to influence me, I just go home.
If I want to take off for a year, it's up to me. If I want to travel, or go away for the weekend, or shut myself off from the world for a day, I have the freedom to choose that.
Sounds like an ideal life, to some. And yet, as free as it is, it only serves to emphazise the loneliness. Every freedom that I have reminds me that there's no one there to care what I do with my time, money, resources. For every opportunity that I have to be incredibly grateful--and there are so many--there's a reason for me to remember what I'm waiting for and longing for.
I would trade it all in an instant to have someone to share it with. I would turn my back on the "freedom" that a single, unattached life offers with no hesitation if it meant that I would have a companion to share everything with. Even if that "everything" was so much less exciting and adventurous than the life I have now.
And speaking of exciting adventures, I'm getting somewhere with this packing. I'll be living out of a suitcase for the next 2 weeks, but I should be ready to move in a couple of days. Sometime next week, depending on my work schedule. *sigh* I'm getting there. At least this will be an easy move. One trip. Hopefully just one car and one truck load.
One year ago today: Some of the people in that book have been a part of my life for years--long before they signed the book, and long after. Some, I hardly even remember, and I wouldn't have, if I hadn't seen their names. Some were a huge part of my life at that time, but have faded out of the picture since then. Some have come in and out, and have reappeared in unexpected ways since they signed.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:58 p.m.
