Tues, Feb 19
... An uplifting of sorts
Sometimes, I don't miss living in dorms. It's nice to have some privacy, and to have more space than there is with four of us in what was originally a one-bedroom apartment; it's nice to be
really on my own and not going from one set of rules (my parents') to another (the dorm rules). I like being able to be quiet and not having music blaring from the lounge, which was right on the other side of my bedroom wall.
Sometimes, though, I miss it. I miss having a ready-made social life and not having to go anywhere to find people to do something with. It takes a lot of planning to get that many people together in one place at one time--unless you live together! I miss always having someone there to pray with, to talk to, to hang out with, to cry with, to vent to, to go out with. I miss having Jade's massive collection of movies in the lounge. I miss crocheting while watching TV. I miss Manditory Fun Night.
Mostly, though, I miss living with Lynsae. I love when we get to hang out and do stuff together again. I love getting to be around her and play off her quirky weird sense of humor.
I love where I am now; I don't think I could stand going back into dorms now, and I don't think I could have lived there for much longer than I did. It was something that could only be done for a little while, but it was a great experience. It was seriously like having 40 brothers and sisters. Sometimes, we got on each others' nerves; sometimes we fought; sometimes we played; sometimes we just hung out and didn't have to say anything; sometimes we couldn't stand being around each other, but we really did love each other, and missed each other when we weren't together.
It seems so long ago; sometimes I see it as part of my childhood, even though I grew up so much during those eight months. I grew and changed and became so much my own person, but at the same time, I was so young, and I've changed so much since then that it feels like it was so long ago.
Kat, Lyns, and I were looking at old dorm pictures today, and there's this one picture of all the girls last Valentine's Day... Kat was saying that it's her favorite picture of me, because I look so happy. So truly happy, like she says she hasn't seen me look in a while.
Sometimes it feels like not being incredibly happy is the price to pay for growing up and facing reality, but does it have to be? I mean, is it supposed to be like this; like I can't be joyful and carefree, even though I have more responsibilities? I know the answer to that. No, it's not supposed to be. It feels like it's become that way, though. Like life has burdened me too deeply for me to be buoyant anymore.
And what do I have to worry about? Comparitive to some people, not a whole lot. That "not a whole lot," though, has added up and made itself much. But I learn, and I seek, and I try to "find grace in the strangest of places." To look in the little things for the divine. To seek God's presence... and in that, find uplifting. Somehow, some way, it becomes a newer, fresher reality of sorts, and takes my mind off everything else for a while.
infinite || abyss
posted at 1:18 a.m.
