Fri, June 8
... Staring into the art of perfection
Time flies when you're having fun. What a short week. They're all short lately. Ah well. As usual, I have no life tonight. But that's quite dandy. I'll go home, phone people about Nessa's party tomorrow, or maybe head to Northland (just cuz it's easier to transit to than Market) for a brief sojourn, or maybe see if someone wants to do something. I kinda doubt it, but it never hurts to try, right? Anyways...
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Pretending at something long enough makes it real. Not just putting on a mask, but believing long enough that something's reality. If I smile and act happy long enough, I will eventually become, if not truly happy, at least happier than I was. If I work hard enough to convince myself that I feel sick, I will feel sick. If I pretend to want to hang out with someone, eventually, it'll become less of a chore.
Tuesday was the first night in a long time that I've actually wanted to be where I was--right in the middle of other Christians, singing my guts out. For the longest time, it's been a chore to go; something I didn't really want to do, but I had to. But I've still gone pretty faithfully--I mean, there have been the times I've overslept on my nap--an honest mistake!--or just left the room, but I've been there more often than not, and that makes a huge difference. Even when I'm there just for appearance's sake, God's still working, and still softening me.
Deeper. The fast. I was fighting God so hard to do something else, not to do what he was asking me to do, and that morning in church, we sang, "Lord I give you my heart, I give you my soul; I live for you alone... Every breath that I take, every moment I'm awake, Lord have your way in me." I sat there going, "This isn't true. I can't sing this, because I don't mean it. I'm not giving him everything." Later, I was praying with Daryl, and even though we weren't praying about that at all, just the act of praying itself, the fact that I was aligning my will with God's on something else, changed my heart on that, too. I still wasn't going into it with 100% pure motives, but I was willing.
So when does worship become a lie, and when does it become a vehicle? There have been times when I haven't sung a song, because I know I don't mean it, and I know I don't want to mean it, and to sing it would just be spitting in God's face, pretending to lie to him, and putting on a show for the sake of everyone else in the room. There are other times, though, when I'll sing, even though I don't want to, and I don't really mean it, and through that, my attitude changes, and it becomes a prayer of "God, do this in me," rather than a declaration of what he's already done.
I guess the difference is my willingness. If deep down, I really don't want to change, I'm going to fight it as hard as I can, but if I know that I really do want things to change, I'll pretend to keep my defenses up, while in reality, I'm letting God soften me. Of course, he doesn't NEED my willingness to do his work, but it certainly makes the process less painful.
infinite || abyss
posted at 5:23 p.m.
