Thursday, Sept. 08, 2005
... Whatever my lot
Alright... here's an entry from Sunday night. It's a little outdated, but it's something, anyways. There's more (and more current) news over at
the other place.
hI'm amazed at how much comfort comes from familiarity and routine. That's been one of the most difficult things for me all along. Well, that, and missing people. But in terms of the things since I got here, one of the most difficult things has been not having a schedule or routine. Before I left, the strangest thing was having a chock-full schedule until August 31, and then a limbo day on Sept 1, and then... nothing. My daytimer suddenly emptied, and all that was in there was birthdays. For the rest of the year.
In any normal year, I'd have rehearsals, auditions, meetings... all that scheduled, at least until Christmas. I'd have a pretty good idea of the basic structure of my days, even though I wouldn't have things like social events or work scheduled in yet. In terms of shows and general stuff, it would be at least pencilled in.
Even now that I'm here, though, this week is a complete lack of schedule. Things don't really start in earnest until next Monday, and, to be honest, this would be the week I wouldn't mind skipping. I just can't wait until I'm back into a rhythm, and Lourenzo is into a rhythm, and I keep telling myself that it'll get better then. Not that it's been terrible thus far; it's just that it's a lot of babysitting, and not a lot of living. For this week, I need to be flexible to Alexandra's schedule, and ready to entertain Lourenzo for 8+ hours a day.
Once he's in school, it'll feel more like... I don't know what, but less like trying to be a complete entertainer.
Anyways. Today was my day off, and I think that Alexandra is going to be good about honoring that, right from the start. I went to church this morning, and if you want to read more about that adventure, check out the New York blog. That's going to be where most of my day-to-day stuff is going to be, just because that's the address that everyone's got.
I'm desperately craving internet service. And phone, for that matter. I went to call home tonight, and discovered that the phone is disconnected, for some reason. I feel very, very disconnected. Once I have internet and can email and talk on msn, I'll feel less isolated, but right now, I feel like I'm in this little bubble, and no one can reach or touch me.
This afternoon, I walked around midtown Manhattan for a while, near the church, and did some shopping--mostly just browsing and window-shopping, although I did buy a pair of jeans at H&M, on sale for $20. That's beside the point, though. The point is (mostly) that it was just so good to touch people. To be in a crowd, even though I was alone. There was a throng of tourists all over the place, and I didn't even mind, because it was contact. Even though it was impersonal, it came on the heels of lunch with some girls from church, and I actually had a conversation with someone that wasn't paying me to be friendly.
I haven't really talked to anyone in days, and that's a lonely thing. I'm used to thrice-weekly coffees and nightly hour-long phone conversations about every nuance of my day with Kat; and long discussions at work with Becky and Blair; and Laurel, Kim, Jen, or any number of other people just a phone call away (which technically they still are, but it costs a lot more, and right now, it's not working so well); and coffee or some other "outing" at least once or twice a week with any of the aforementioned people, among others. It's just strange to be so cut off from that. It's soul-smothering for every conversation to be superficial and still introductory. And, like I said, I think that once my internet connection is up again, it'll be easier, but for the moment, it's very lonely and isolated.
Anyways. I'm not trying to complain. This isn't as bad as all that. It's going to be a great year, I think, and once things settle down, I might actually feel at home here. The first days of any new place are always most difficult, but there are bright spots in the midst of even the most trying times.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:20 p.m.
