Friday, Sept. 16, 2005
... I've heard there was a secret chord
Happiness is a strange thing, and I don't know that I would say that I'm consistently happy here yet.
Happiness is also very circumstantial, and I wouldn't say that most people in life are consistently happy. Nor are we called to be. We're called to joy and contentment, but not necessarily happiness.
I'm content. I'm getting settled. I'm starting to find myself here. But happiness... it's the same root as happen. Happenings. Happenstance. Those things which are so unpredictable and, well, circumstantial. Happiness is, I think, based on things that happen to you, outside of a choice.
Joy, however, and contentment are choices. They're those deeper, soul-rich experiences that transcend emotion, and that's what I'm trying to live in. The Joy of the moment. The Contentment of being where I am, when I am. Happiness, for me, depends so much on people and relationships, and right now, I don't have many of those here.
That's not a pity-plea; it's a fact. I'm starting to become more grounded in the relationships I have with Alexandra and Lourenzo, but I don't really have friends yet. I'll make them. I have no doubt of that, but I'm nowhere near even having someone that I'd call for coffee sometime, let alone a confidante.
Which is okay--I've got confidantes and soul-sisters at home. I don't necessarily need those here. But I would like a coffee-friend. Someone to go to a movie with.
And I know I'll find people like that, but for right now, I'm learning to be thankful in what I've got now, and to take the opportunities that are blasting my way at the speed of light, it seems!
It makes you wonder how much other people are able to sabotage happiness, though. Sometimes, when I talk to certain people, I feel like I shouldn't be happy here. I feel like I should miss home constantly and consistently--for 10 months, I should do nothing but mourn the people I left in Calgary, until I'm back in their (mostly figurative) arms.
I know that's not the general consensus of people I know, but there are a few who give off that vibe, knowingly or unknowingly.
Yeah, it's a change. Yes, I'll probably come back different, in some ways. Yes, I'm going to make new friends. But that doesn't mean that everything is going to--or has to--change at home. A year isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, and the changes that happen in a year can be quickly and easily overcome with one good talk, within days of my return.
You know?
infinite || abyss
posted at 7:13 p.m.
