Sun, Jan. 19
... No footsteps on the ground
I knew I should have picked up all the Joseph stuff from the church and run around looking for rehearsal props earlier today, while I had the chance anyways. I said I'd go back tonight, but now I'm not motivated at all. I'll have to either get my butt in gear, or do it tomorrow. Meh. Tomorrow sounds good. Oy. I'm such a bad person. Will I ever learn?
It's so strange to begin feeling so disconnected to home. I'm beginning to wonder if God's preparing me to leave here. I don't know if that's the case, I don't know when, and I don't know where to, but I keep feeling more and more like I'm being prepared for something. I don't know what, though. I have fewer connections to Calgary than I ever have, and I don't know if that's just because my life and priorities are changing and my attachments haven't caught up with the changes yet, or if it's because God's going to take me somewhere else in the next 6 months or so, or what.
It's scary, though. My mom was telling me that they got a form from Alberta Health Care today, saying, "Alida Anderson is about to turn 21. Please reply with one of the following options." Am I staying in school as a full-time student, and if so, what's the graduation date? Becoming self-sufficient? Moving out of province? Getting married? Those basically determine whether I'm staying under my parents' plan, or whether I have to pay my own health care premiums.
I guess they figure that you should have that figured out by the time you're 21. Well, I thought I did, but I certainly don't now! Maybe this will force me into a decision of some sort, but it couldn't have come at a worse or more undecided time.
I just don't know. I know what I'm doing until April. That's it. Once this semester's over, I just don't know past that.
I don't even have the "I want to" thing going. You know how a lot of times you don't know what you're going to do, but you're leaning one way or another, towards something that you want to do more than the other options? Yeah. I don't even have that right now. I'm at a place of complete and total mind-changing every few hours. I'm at a place where I'm really living day by day--semester by semester--more than I ever have before.
I don't like it all that much.
I suppose it's necessary, though.
One year ago today: Anyways, we were talking about how to get the grade 12's integrated into the C&C group, and I was talking about the groups within it. Specifically, I used Anya as an example: how she's my age, but feels older and is in the other "group," partly because she didn't grow up at Foothills. Craig also brought up the point that she's dating someone older, and so she would naturally hang out with the "other" crowd. So, somehow, Craig's mind went back to getting grade 12's integrated, and some other thing we'd been talking about in that context, and he said, "So maybe that's what you need to do to make them feel welcome." Darren, Stuart, and I all started laughing, because from Craig's description, it sounded like he was saying that we should date older people in the C&C group to get the grade 12's connected.
infinite || abyss
posted at 8:03 p.m.
