Fri, Apr. 16
... Young and wild and free
Things are so different than I thought they would be when I came four years ago. I walked into 260 on the first day of class in September 2000,a nd I had so many ideas about what it would all be like--what Bible college would be like, what dorms would be like, what studying theatre would be like...
It's funny how things happen. There are days when I don't even recognize myself as the same girl that walked through the door. Yeah, life has changed, and things haven't always gone the way I thought they would--or should--but that's not even it.
It's not just about the things around me, and the circumstances changing... I'm different.
I would hope so. I hope I'm not the same person I was at 18, but sometimes, it surprises me how much I've changed. How far I've come, and some days, how far I've regressed. How much the people in my life have impacted me. How much the classes and experiences at Rocky have shaped me.
In a few weeks, I'll really be done there, and a huge chapter of my life will be over. Rocky, for one--the place that's been a huge part of defining my life for the past four years. School, for another. After seventeen years, I won't have to go to school in September. From here on, I don't have to go. I've got what I need... I mean, to a point, that happened after high school, but now, I've got a degree, and it's really the end. The rest is just gravy.
I didn't think it would end this way, but then again, I had no idea. Four years ago, I wasn't thinking about the end--I was revelling in the beginning. I wasn't thinking this far ahead. It was such a vague idea. Graduation. I had just graduated from high school--the idea that the next four years to a college grad could pass so quickly (or would even pass at all) was so foreign. In some ways, it didn't feel like this would ever come. It felt like I would just be there forever, and things would just stay the way they were.
It always seems like that. Things change, and another groove becomes comfortable, and I can't imagine life without it. And then, the new, the inevitable change, the frightening unknown becomes the familiar and constant.
It's so weird that I won't see some of these people; won't stay in touch with them. They've been so intricately and inextricably intertwined with my life, and they've become such an important part of these years, and it's sad that we can walk away from each other without a look backwards. We can walk out of those doors having left an indelible impression on each other's hearts and lives, and somehow know that it's okay.
I'll see their names in the magazines someday, and I'll be able to say, "I spent four years with her. I acted with her. I lived with her. I went on tour with her." They'll be my brush with fame--my touch of celebrity.
Our dreams are all so different, and our paths will be even moreso in the future, but I know I'll be proud of them. I can't wait for the day that I can see the success, and I can watch their dreams come true, even if it's from a distance.
I just can't seem to get past the fact that these four years are rapidly coming to an end. The days are rushing, tumbling one on top of the other in a mad dash towards the finish line.
Where to from here? Who knows.
One year ago today: I don't remember who I was with in this conversation, but somehow, we all thought that Joseph was over after the five performances, but we'd all forgotten that we were doing a month-long run, and we had another three weekends to do. Somehow, we realized that and all started panicking, because we thought we were done and had everything finished, but we still had another 15 performances to do and no one was ready to do them.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:26 p.m.
