Fri, Aug. 16
... He loves me, he loves me not
Once in a lifetime, you find someone who loves you and would do anything for you. What happens if you don't love them that much, though? One always loves more. I know that. I guess I just want to be the one.
It's really bizarre--it's almost reverse selfishness. It's not even that I want to be in control, because right now, I am. I'm calling the shots, because he'd do anything, and I'm the one hesitating. I want to be the one giving and waiting, though. I want to be the one to get hurt if something happens, and that's not going to be the case. It'll be him, not me, and I don't want that.
I don't know... maybe it takes responsibility off me. I don't think so, though. Right now, I hold so much responsibility for his heart, almost. I'd just rather him hurt me than me hurt him. Does that mean I love him?
I know he'd do anything. If he still loves me, even after the past two years, that's saying something. I just wish I felt the same way. I want to fall head over heels into it, and be completely smitten. It's not even that I'm doubting. Love is a choice. If I go into it, there's no turning back. If this is it, this is it. Regardless of how I feel, if I make this choice, I'll stick with it, through good and bad, and I'm not just doing it because I feel obligated. I'll do it of my own free will and because I really do love him. If I go into this, it'll be for no other reason than love.
No, it's not that I don't love him. Or that I don't see the potential to love him. Or that I don't want to. It's just that I wish I was the one loving more. I wish I was as dependent on him as he is on me.
Who knows; maybe it'll change. It's not always the same. But it was like this before. He's always loved me more than I've loved him. Maybe I just have a smaller capacity for love than he does. Maybe I'm just not quite capable of loving someone that much. Maybe I'm just scared that I'll let myself fall, and then I won't be able to handle the intensity. Maybe I really am more scared than I think I am.
Maybe I've already given too much of my heart away and I can't reclaim it.
infinite || abyss
posted at 9:29 p.m.
