Tues, Dec 18
... me. I promise, it's really me
So we've been talking all this time about being open, and real, and honest, and things like that. I wish. Sometimes I'm just so tired of being the person that everyone expects me to be. All I want to do some days is just lay it all out, and say,
"Here. This is me, with all my crap, all my successes, all my failures, all my secrets, all my sins, all the times I've failed you, all the times I've done the right thing, all my motives, all of it. Take it or leave it; love me or hate me; but this is me and you can't say I didn't warn you." Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I don't know what I'd do; I don't know what everyone else would do.
I think it would be too much for our nice little packaged world to take. It would be too much of a shock to the neatly tied up loose ends that everyone convinces themselves don't exist... the reminder of the reality and humanness that we're faced with far too often in ourselves--we don't need a reminder that everyone else faces the same things.
As open as I may be with some of my friends, and as open as they may be with me, everything still isn't laid out bare for all to see. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's not though. Either way, I can't help but wonder what would happen if we were actually that honest. If we were really real with each other. What would we see? What would the rest of the world see? Would they see a church that's so hypocritical and judgmental that they could never fit it?
Sometimes I think it's a good thing I've grown up in the church and love it so much that I could never leave it, because I think that if I wasn't in it already, I'd think they were too much for me. I don't think that I would think that I could "fit in;" I think I'd be intimidated by all the "perfection" I saw; all the lives that seemed to be perfectly put together. Good thing I know better. But that leaves the question, do people know better than to think that the church is full of perfect people when they look at me?
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:52 p.m.
