Tues, June 26
... Chasing until I'm caught
Good thing God forgives idiots and gives them second chances. :o) As crazy as my life has been lately, and as frustrating as it is at times, I've seen Him in more ways than I've been looking for lately. I've been trying to avoid seeing him, but you can't escape the inevitable forever; you can't run from the pursuer for so long. I've been running for way too long, trying to find my own way and ignore him.
The other night, I had a God-moment, lying in bed listening to the radio, just before falling asleep. I was so relaxed that I was in that state where my body feels like it's part of the mattress, and I can't tell where one ends and the other begins. My mind was slowing down--I wasn't mulling over any of my stupid acts, anyone else's stupid acts, how to fix said acts, or anything like that. I was just listening to the radio and enjoying the feeling of falling asleep. "Hanging by a Moment" came on, and I had such a profound God-experience in the 4 minutes of that song. I didn't move, I didn't get up; nothing really changed, but everything changed somehow. In that state of utter relaxation and as close to pure "me-ness" as I could get, with all my masks stripped off, no one to impress, and nothing to prove, that song became my prayer in a way that it never has before. I've always liked it, but it meant something more to me that night than it ever has before.
There's a poem that describes God as the "hound of heaven," who keeps pursuing us and never gives up on us, and that's where I was that night. I stopped running, and stood still to let him catch me, throw his arms around me, pick me up like a child, and swing me around and around in his arms. I still have a long road ahead of me, but I stopped running, and the long, hard, painful road that I've inflicted on myself is one that I won't walk alone. I deserve to--I got myself into the mess without him, and he could very well leave me alone to get out of it on my own, but he loves me too much for that. He's going to carry me every step of the way, for as long as I let him. All he wants is to see me back.
*****
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me
Now I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and I'm not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That could change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
infinite || abyss
posted at 12:51 p.m.
