Sat, Sept. 28
... Give me one more way to show you
It's funny. Of all the dreams I've had and all the places and faces that have appeared, sometimes the same one keeps coming back, no matter how hard I've tried to push it away. I tried hard, and sometimes, I thought I succeeded. But sometimes, at night, that face would still appear in my dreams. Sometimes it would be other faces, for sure, but the other ones came and went, and somehow, that one just kept invading my personal space.
I know I wasted my first chance, but given the chance all over again, I don't know if I'd do it differently. In some ways, I wish I could just erase all of the hurt, and all of the broken feelings that came along with it. I wish I could make the choices more wisely. I wish I could have just been that much more grown up and mature. But at the same time... I don't know that I would do it all that differently. I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I wish... I wish a lot of things, but if everything I wished came true, I'd be a very different person than the one I am today. And I don't know if I want all my wishes to come true.
Yeah, I know I gave away my first chance. But sometimes I wonder if I gave up the second one, too. I can replay countless conversations in my mind, and wonder if I'd only said this, or if I hadn't have said that, or if that hadn't come into things... how would it be different. What would that make life now?
I'm just a silly little girl who doesn't know what love is, but that's something I'll be saying for the rest of my life. I know more about love now than I did two years ago, but I'll never know as much as I can. It's a journey. I'll never stop learning... I'll never know everything about any subject, and love is just another subject that I'll never know enough about. And the more I know, the more I realize I don't know.
I thought I had a lot of things figured out. But I didn't. I didn't know the first thing about what I was talking about. I don't think I ever will. I'll always look back at myself, laugh, and realize that I was just a naive little girl, and I know even less now. I think, though, that sometimes you just have to make a choice based on faith, regardless of how naive that choice may be, and let it all build from there.
I don't have the answers. I don't know if I've wasted all my chances. I don't know if there's something better out there that I have no idea is coming. But I guess that when the time comes, all I can do is make a solid, confident choice, based on what I know, and let the rest follow from there. If I jkeep waiting to have all the pieces, I'll never get anywhere.
I just hope I haven't learned that much too late.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:32 p.m.
