Mon, Jan. 10
... I'm begging you to beg me
*sigh*
And we wonder why women have problems.
They tell us to be independent; that we don't need a man; to be complete before we look to someone else; that we need to have a solid understanding of our identity in Christ before we join that identity with someone else's.
Excellent points, very true.
The older I get, the more independent I become, out of necessity as well as out of desire. I want to run my own company. I want a career. I want to be able to support myself financially. I want to be an intelligent, thinking, rational, wise woman, in my own right. I want to have my own hobbies, to be an artist, to nurture my friendships, to have a nice house... all those things. And those aren't dependent on marriage.
But I also want to be married. I want a family. I want to share my life with someone. I want the security of having a best friend and partner for "till death do us part."
And while they're telling us to become independent, they forget to tell us (maybe because it goes against all the propaganda) that there's a sense in which we, as women, have to need the men in our lives.
In some capacity, on some level, we need to need them, just like they need to need us. And I don't think that it necessarily is "being needy" in the How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days sense of the word, but we definitely have to need them on some level. What's the point of being in a relationship if the other person doesn't fulfill some need on some level?
So, society is producing a generation of women who are so self-sufficient that we don't need the men in our lives, and that's wreaking havoc on the relationships and the societal norms.
And it's a dilemma, because I am one of those women, and I like being independent. I like striving towards my own goals, having some semblance of independence, building a career, having a good education, and building a life. I'm thankful that I live in a society that offers all those opportunities, but at the same time, I realize that I have to learn how to need someone else.
It's a strange and peculiar balance, and I think it takes a lifetime to figure out.
Right now, I need him for something very solid, concrete, and tangible right now. Something that's not just emotionally based; something that can be defined; something that is necessary on so many levels.
And, in the ultimate irony that is my life, it's the one thing he can't--not won't, but can't--give me.
I need to be needier? I need to be more independent? I need to stop caring? I need to... what? Someone, please tell me, because what I'm being told and what I'm experiencing are contradicting each other, and it's leaving me an independent, self-sufficient, restless, needy, lonely emotional wreck.
Oy.
One year ago today: The funny thing is, the things I know often happen to be regarding guys in my life. Not necessarily a boyfriend, but a guy that I'm close to. Little things. They'll tell me about a dilemma or a problem, or even just a piece of information, and I'll just have a feeling about how it'll turn out. For the past three girls that Brian's dated or been interested in, I've known whether it would be serious or not the first time he told me. No indications on his part; I've just known. And there have been at least 2 other instances with two different people (recently) where I've had an idea of how things would turn out.
infinite || abyss
posted at 5:55 p.m.
