Thurs, Jan. 15
... Where we capture forever
So I didn't get a part in the Shakespeare show. I know I said that I would be okay with it either way, and that I knew that if I didn't get it, it would be for the best, because of my schedule, but it still sucks. I want to act. I want the challenge of being stretched and playing all the different characters and exploring the language... and just getting onstage again for something bigger. Something more "serious." One last shot before I graduate.
It makes me wonder how good of an actor I really am--I can't hack it? I don't have what it takes to do something as intense as Shakespeare? Or is it really God's hand in it, sheltering me from over-exhaustion and burning out? I know I said that I was trusting that, but when it comes down to it, I wanted to act. I really did. I need to get back onstage... it's just been too long.
These are the days when I lose confidence in my ability to make a living at this. In my ability to get parts--will I be stuck being crew for the rest of my life? I love directing, I don't mind SM-ing, but I need to act, and I fear that I won't be able to. I don't have what it takes--I don't have the "natural talent." I know that. I know that I'll always have to work hard to get where I'm going, but I wonder if I'll ever be able to work hard enough to get somewhere with this.
I should get used to it. This is a business full of rejection. It happens every day, and I've got to be thick-skinned enough to take it and foolish enough to go back for more.
I don't know... I know I'll look back on it in 3 months and be thankful, just like I'm thankful that I'm not running Sr. High drama this year, as much as I would love to be. Yeah, the decision was hard, and the emotions were there, but now, I'm thankful.
I say that maybe I'm not cut out for this, but the thing is, I don't know what I'll do if I'm not. I can't do something else with my life--this is what it has to be, and if I can't make it with this...
There are days. This is definitely one of them.
One year ago today: This is one of the things I love about being a director--getting these ideas, seeing them come together in my head, and then watching them come to life on the stage. If I'm this excited about it, and it's still just a brainstormed idea, imagine how much I'm going to be bouncing off the walls once it actually comes together!
infinite || abyss
posted at 3:27 p.m.
