Wed, Jan. 14
... To walk on stormy seas
Sometimes, I just don't get it. It would be fascinating, if I was looking at it objectively. Four or five random, unconnected events, happening to different people, are intertwining so inextricably that everything is affecting all the other events and everyone involved.
As it is, though, I'm too much in the thick of things to look at it with any degree of objectivity. I'm affecting them, they're affecting me, and somehow, we're all in this together.
It pushes and pulls us together and apart, and who knows where we'll end up. Who knows what push will be enough to bind us for good; who knows what pull will be the breaking point. And for whom. There are so many relationships and people affected right now...
My life is far too surreal. Daily, things keep happening that keep me thinking I'm in the middle of some really bizarre dream, and I'll wake up back in mid-November, still writing last semester's papers, still getting the Christmas shows ready to go up, still living in the headspace that was then. It really is a completely different place to be now. It's amazing how one month--one week--can flip things upside-down so fast that I'm not sure how I'll recover from the motion sickness.
Everything changes. Change is good. I'll keep telling myself that, and maybe one of these days, it'll sink in.
There's got to be something in this; I just can't see it yet. None of us can, and I'm worried that we won't see it until it's too late.
I'm starting to miss them already.
One year ago today: I'm not trying to be self-centered or selfish, even though I do realize that it sounds that way. It's just that when I know I'm going to be with a big group and we're going to go for dinner or something, I have to be ready for that. I don't hate those times, because they're fun, but I need to be prepared for them. When I'm expecting it just to be one friend and I, and more people end up coming along, I find myself overwhelmed, and it catches me off guard.
infinite || abyss
posted at 4:49 p.m.
