Sun, Apr. 18
... Always fly too high
I told
Logan the other day that I'm glad I'm not married now. I'm glad I didn't marry
Brian when I was 19; for that matter, I'm glad I didn't marry anyone at that age.
I didn't know how to explain this to Logan, but it's not about Brian, per se. I mean, it is, but it isn't. I'm sure we would have been happy together if we were married, but we've both built separate lives for ourselves, and we're happy and fulfilled without each other, too. For as much as we (he?) declared that our love was something incredible and necessary, we've both moved on.
Love is a choice, and eventually, it came to the point of choosing not to love each other. Regardless of how painful the decision was and how long it took to get there, it's a choice. It doesn't negate the memories, and it doesn't change the fact that we really did love each other, but it's not something in the here and now. It's something that was a part of shaping us to who we are in the here and now.
But I digress. I was only half talking about Brian in specific. Partly, I'm realizing that I'm glad I'm not married to anyone. I'm glad that I've finished my education, because I know how many of my friends have gotten married and haven't gone back to school. They said they would, and maybe someday they will, but chances are, they won't. I'm glad I had the chance to go on Testament, to have all the roommates I've had, to have the freedom to experience my years at Rocky the way they've turned out, to pour into the lives of my drama kids.
I tried to explain this to Logan, but the conversation wasn't that long, and I don't know if I could articulate it to anyone, especially not without thinking about it first.
I'm glad I'm not married, but I want it. I'm glad I've had the years I've had, but I want the next ones to include a husband. I see God's hand in the life I've had up to this point, but I don't want it to look the same way in four more years. I've learned the independence to live and serve God on my own, but I want the interdependence of a marriage, and the chance to serve God with my husband. I'm thankful for the friends and relationships that I have, but I see more and more friends get married and start families, and there's something inside me that longs for that.
I can't explain it without sounding like a hypocrite either way. I want what I've got, and I want something else, too. I don't want to keep living the life I'm living, and I don't want things to change.
It's such a dichotomy, and I can't explain it to myself, let alone someone else. Especially a guy.
infinite || abyss
posted at 11:50 p.m.
