Sat, Mar. 13
... Alone in a world that's so cold
Hee. I convinced my mom that she should buy me a pair of shoes. And she did. No, I'm not really that spoiled. They were on clearance at Payless, so they were only $15 or so. And actually, I'm not sure if it was my mom or my dad that was more convinced, but between the two of them, I convinced them.
And... I get to try on my outfit for my dance with Logan tomorrow. Just a fitting, but still. I just hope I'm not disappointed when it doesn't look like it does on the pattern cover, because I'm not as skinny and perfectly proportioned as the model. That always happens, you know. In some ways, that's why it's easier to not have Mom make my clothes, because they never look the way I think they should on me. Hmm. Unrealistic expectations much? I'm excited for it, though, and especially excited for when I get to dance it, and how amazing that's going to look.
I had nightmares about my showcase last night. I don't remember all the details, but they included things starting so late that we started the show at 11 p.m., nothing being prepared, having no costumes, not having any powerpoint or video ready, running into poles onstage, and Logan laughing at me so hard that we couldn't do our dance. Not conducive to a healthy night's sleep, by any means.
And then I woke up with Simon sitting on my head.
I find that I project my expectations (particularly in regards to bad situations) from one person onto another. We all have conversations in our heads, right (please tell me I'm not the only one who does this)? You know, the kind where you imagine how the conversation is going to go, how you're going to defend yourself, what you're going to say, what they're going to say, how you're going to get in every point... we (I) do it for good and bad conversations--play them out in my head beforehand.
I find that I picture them going sour, and I picture myself getting defensive over nothing, but it's something that would have come up--and that I would have needed to defend--with someone else, at a different time. Right now, I don't think that's even crossing the other person's mind at all, but I've had bad experiences before where whatever it is has become an issue, and I just presume that's going to be the case. It's hard to give people the benefit of the doubt. Sure, I say I do, and deep down, I do, but there's that nagging little piece that expects things to turn out the way they have before, and expects the same arguments to come out of a different mouth.
Why is it that I can't project the good times and associations onto my expectations? Only the bad.
I suppose some things have scarred me more than I care to admit.
One year ago today: My goodness... what a day. More painting, building, repairing and gluing this morning/afternoon, and then up to the church to clean out the costume closet from Our Town. I love that we keep accumulating pieces--that's what a good play does. We only bought between 1/3 to 1/2 of our costume pieces, so we don't have everything (the kids brought in some of their own stuff, and we borrowed a bunch from Laurel's theatre company), but it's still a lot more than we had. Includiong the wedding dress. I love that we have that in our stock now.
infinite || abyss
posted at 8:49 p.m.
