Sunday, Sept. 18, 2005
... Paper faces on parade
One of the things that I love seeing in acting--TV shows especially--is how the characters change and grow in relation to each other. How their relationships shape their personalities. You see it more clearly in TV, because you watch a character develop for a number of seasons--years, sometimes--and you can see how they change in relation to and because of each other. A snapshot of the way our relationships with others change us.
I think that our character is embedded deeply within each of us, and we grow and change, but those integral parts of us are the same no matter who we're with. They way that's manifested, however, changes, depending on who we're with.
I'm finding that in myself right now--take me out of the context of my relationships, and I become a slightly different person. I'm still me, but the way I express my "me-ness" is different. The manifestations that my character takes are different.
For instance. I'm a storyteller. I usually have an anecdote to go with every situation. I love getting to know people through the stories they tell, and that's a very significant way that I share myself.
Since I've been here, though, I've shared very few stories. That doesn't mean that I'm censoring myself, or that I don't have anything to say, or even that I'm deliberately trying to "reinvent" myself--it just means that I'm not there right now. It's difficult to tell stories without context. When I tell stories at home, I don't generally have to explain who people are. The people who are important in my life all kind of are aware of each other in an interconnected web of contact. They may not know each other, but when I drop names--Kat, Laurel, Becky, Laura, Brian, Kim, Blair, Cindy, Marva, Andria, Esther, Jade, Janna, Tracey, Wanda--people know who I'm talking about, at least in general terms. And if they don't, a simple explanation is sufficient.
Here, there's far too much back story needed for a simple anecdote. It requires a life history, and most people just don't have that great of an attention span.
An interesting observation, when I remove myself from myself, and watch the whole thing objectively.
So, taken outside of the context of my relationships, am I still really, fully me? Yes. My full identity is found in other places, but I need to remind myself of that, because sometimes, it doesn't feel like I'm fully here. I feel like a shadow of myself walking around, waiting for the rest of me to catch up--it's like I've been lost in transit somewhere, and I don't know how to put the pieces back together.
Maybe that's why I liked the movie last night (Just Like Heaven) so much. Watch it, and tell me what you think.
One year ago today: The short version of that is that last night, enough pieces fell into place for me to realize that I'm where I need to be right now. I need to remind myself that it's okay that I'm working at Quiznos, even though I have a degree, because a) I'm pursuing my theatre dreams, and b) it's where God wants me to be. It's a good place for me to be, spiritually, and I'm in a very enriching place, in many ways.
infinite || abyss
posted at 9:05 p.m.
