Tues, Feb 5
... Misunderstood, where did it go wrong?
One more entry about all of this for today... processing all the feelings; trying to work this all through in my head.
I feel very misunderstood. I wanted this trip so badly, and I wanted to go more than I wanted anything else this semester. In fact, at the beginning of the semester, I was so overwhelmed with school, and life, and everything else, that I was about ready to take the semester off and just take a breather from school and everything else. The only thing that really stopped me was the trip. If I left, there would be no chance of going on the trip. I'm not going to leave now; things are better, and it would be pointless (and it's too late anyways), but at the beginning, that was it. So I find it kind of ironic that they didn't know how much I wanted it.
I also feel kind of like I'm being seen only for my children's ministry. I do a lot more than just that, and kids aren't the only ones I work with. Not even just "kids and youth." I mean, I know that's a big part of what I do, but it's not all of it, and I feel like that's all that was being seen.
I feel like beating myself up--"Where could I have showed more that I want this? How could I have let them know? How did they not know about my other ministry? How did I get pigeon-holed?" If I can blame myself, at least that's someone that I can blame, regardless of how right or wrong that is. I know it's not my fault, and I know that it's pointless, but I still wonder. I still wonder what I could have/should have/would have done.
And I know, of course I know, that I said that I was putting this into God's hands; that I was going to trust him with the results, and that now I have to put my money where my mouth is. I know all of that, and I'm getting more excited and more ready to see what he has for me this summer. At the same time, though, I'm still sad. I'm still upset. I'm still weepy, and anything's setting me off. I'm still almost, in a way, grieving the loss of something that I'd been planning and hoping for for a long time.
Yah, it sucks. Yah, I'll get through it, and in a couple of weeks, it won't even matter. Yah, when they have their commissioning service in May, I'll be upset. Yah, I'm happy for them. Yah, I think they're going to have a great ministry and do great things for God. Yah, I'm excited to hear all the stories. Yah, I'll wish that I'd been there when I do hear those stories. All of that.
But it's not the end of the world, and it's not the end of my ministry. It's a chance for something else. I don't know what that "something else" will be yet, but there is something else that God has in store for me.
infinite || abyss
posted at 5:49 p.m.
