Tues, Apr. 27
... Life was gonna be this way
I realized something yesterday.
When I get back from Europe this summer, there will be virtually no ties here for me. There's nothing that will force me to stay, the way there's been for the past four years.
I'm looking for a new job, I'm finished school, I'll be moving into a new house when I get back... even my ministry commitments at church aren't set in stone for next year, and I could choose not to do the same things as I did before.
It's a weird concept.
When I went on Testament two years ago, it was the halfway point. Halfway through my degree; kind of a sabbatical of sorts. I needed the break. I needed the 6 weeks away from the crap that was going on here--I needed the distance to give me some perspective and to give me the kick in the pants to make some major changes.
That really was a turning point for me--I can, in many ways, divide my time at Rocky into those two parts. Pre- and post-Testament. Well, first year was almost an entity in and of itself, but besides that... Testament was "the great divide."
But this time... it marks another turning point. This is the point where I'm free to go whatever direction I want to. The direction that God's going to lead me in isn't necessarily going to be as predictable as the past four years have been.
Don't get me wrong. There's been so much in these years that has been unexpected and surprising. I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be. But in terms of where I live and my education and so on, that doesn't leave as much room for major changes.
Now, that door is opening wide, and I don't know what to do with it. I don't know which direction I'm going to take over the next couple of years. Most likely, I'll still be in Calgary next year, but after that, who knows.
The thing is, I'm not that stressed out about it. It's exciting, and it's scary, but it's a good scary. It's the kind of scary that's a sign of moving forward with life and growing up. It's the kind of scary that you don't get when you're stagnant and when you stay in the same place forever. It's the kind of scary that comes when you're following your dreams and realizing that there's more out there than you thought.
One year ago today: Janel and I have had a steady stream of guys coming to our house in the middle of the night, on the snowiest day of the year, bringing in random pieces of furniture and boxes of stuff. Dave, Phil, Simon, and Brett are all storing stuff in our basement over the summer, so we had those four, plus Mitch, Logan, and Jason, coming in and out of our house. We're wondering what the neighbors were thinking. Especially when Simon came in yelling, "I'm going to be a cowboy stripper!" Yeah.
infinite || abyss
posted at 12:18 p.m.
