Tues, Apr. 20
... Checks that he is sleeping
I've been procrastinating by looking into Master's-level programs that I might be interested in applying to. I find that rather ironic, because if I don't get these assignments finished, I'm never going to have a Bachelor's degree, and therefore, no opportunity to apply for Master's programs.
I've lost the same three-ish pages of work twice now. I am not impressed. By now, I would be finished the paper. Instead, I'm back at square... not quite one, but not the end. Maybe square 8. I already had about 10 pages before I lost it, but I've lost my Running Commentary of Deuteronomy and my People, Places, and Events summaries. Twice.
Going on and getting my Master's is starting to feel like more and more of a reality. I'm not making any decisions right now--my mind isn't in the right state to make any sort of education-related decisions, especially life-altering ones. I need a year off; I need the next 4 or 5 months to think about everything but school, and then I'll start to look into it.
But I'm looking at it, even now. I'm thinking with the mindset that this is a strong possibility.
Do I want to commit to another two or three years of education? Do I want to commit to investing the time and energy to get another degree, a few more letters after my name, another piece of paper for my office wall? Where does marriage and a family fit into that equation? Or is this integral to that? Is the man God has for me somewhere else--somewhere I'll end up studying?
I don't know. Too many big decisions. Too much to know right now. I want all the answers too fast. I want to see the whole picture as soon as I start painting, and I can't. I want to know the end before I start planning the beginning, and I have to just learn to take that first step, and go from there.
One year ago today: Hmm. I liked staying up half the night. I don't know... for me, there's something magical about that time just before dawn... just when the sky is still black, but hinting of changing to grey. I like it best, though, when I've been up all night to see it, not when I'm getting up that early to see it. The world is still sleeping, and I alone am awake to see the change. I'll sleep later--this is too precious to miss.
infinite || abyss
posted at 5:16 p.m.
